Friday, March 30, 2007


Wow...a busy week! Just enjoying the colour is relaxing.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

JOURNALING - Thoughts on Paper






My first diary dates back to 1972. I was in high school and not enjoying life a great deal. The majority of my entries were depressing and distressing, and this seemed my only avenue to express feelings. I have been somewhat devoted to my journaling throughout the years, and cherish them written throughout my darkest, blackest depression days. Lengthy days spent in hospitals, which included charting extensive medications prescribed and daily feelings were recorded. Memory loss can be recaptured now due to journal entries. Even though I am on my road to recovery, I still record daily, as for me it has become a habit.

The journal itself doesn’t have to be an expensive, leather-bound book – mine is an inexpensive spiral ‘4 subject book’ purchased at a department store. Keep in mind this is YOUR journal.

Getting Started

Find a comfortable chair or seat yourself at the kitchen table. Clear your mind. Relax. Let your thoughts and emotions flow freely. It is important that you do not censor yourself as you write. Do not worry about grammar or punctuation errors. Put every thought onto the page.

What should I write about?

Everyone is different. Some write daily in a journal, others weekly. Just remember, this is your journal and you may write as you wish. Writing in daily diary type form suits some, while others choose a topic each day. But either way, let your mind go, start writing words, and most of all, follow your feelings.

Ask yourself, using one day as an example, did something happen to perhaps upset me, or was it more of a joyful day. Include: thoughts and desires, what are you most afraid of or afraid of not doing. Unresolved issues?

How can a journal help me?

Self-discovery ~~ Writing consistently in a journal can give you a deeper connection with your own inner self.

Less stress ~~ Releasing all your inner thoughts and anxieties through writing can help release unwanted stress.

Courage to pursue your passion ~~ Knowing what you want to do with your life is the first step in making it happen.

Understanding the past ~~ Journaling can bring up many issues in life that are still unresolved. Writing about them helps take you to a place of forgiveness and healing.

Written by:
Me

Sunday, March 25, 2007

SMOKING Increases Anxiety, Suicide Attempts


Everyone knows smoking is bad for them, but nicotine use among people who have bipolar disorder also raises the risk of suicide attempts, substance abuse, anxiety, and a worsening course of the disorder, new research has found.

Michael J. Ostacher, MD, and colleagues evaluated 399 outpatients who have BP disorder and found about 39% of them had a history of smoking. This history was associated with an earlier age of onset of the first depressive episode and the first manic episode, a history of anxiety disorder, a history of alcohol or substance abuse, a worsening course of the illness, and having made a suicide attempt.

The researchers said their findings indicate that more research is needed into the impact of smoking on BP disorder. The study was entitled “The Association Between Smoking, Suicidality and Clinical Course in Bipolar Disorder”.

Article Source: BP Canada Magazine (Summer 2006)

Chronic Medical Disorder Could Spell Severe Bipolar


August 1, 2006, TORONTO, ON ~~ People with bipolar disorder who also have chronic medical disorders are more likely to undergo a more severe course of bipolar, have increased household and work maladjustment, be unemployed and require medical care more frequently, a new study has found.

Researchers with the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychiatry and the University Health Network conducted what they said was the first cross-national population-based study of comorbid medical disorders.

By examining data from a national survey in Canada, they found that rates of chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, asthma, chronic bronchitis, high blood pressure, gastric ulcers, and multiple chemical sensitivities were significantly higher in the bipolar group.

The study which appeared in the journal Psychiatric Services, was entitled “Medical Comorbidity in Bipolar Disorder: Implications for Functional Outcomes and Health Service Unilization.”
Article Source: BP Magazine (Fall 2006)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

SIX WOMEN...and mental illness


I conducted six ‘chats’ with these courageous women while an in-patient on the psychiatric floor of a medical hospital, recovering from depression. I was able to converse with each woman separately where they shared their stories.

Note: I was discharged earlier than any of these women; therefore at that point, a conclusion to each woman’s story was absent. However, I revisited three weeks later to chat. Two women were previously discharged, however the remaining four were content to share their situation. I’d like to thank each woman for sharing their stories with me – it took a phenomenal amount of courage and I wish them the best of success to remain well.

********************
Clara – Age (46)

Clara’s eyes well up as she recounts her story of anguish and to her, humiliation. Both wrists are bandaged from a botched suicide attempt, and she stares downward at the floor as she speaks to me.

The dim days of depression have taken their toll, and frowns as she recalls her profession as a bank manager, which now has ended. So has her 20-year marriage. Her husband threw up his hands and declared that he had, had ‘enough’. By enough, she explains, he grew weary of the recurring hospitalizations, the continuous unresponsiveness of her life form and now another suicide attempt. “What is next”, he asks? She still has her children’s support though, ages eighteen and twenty, and proudly shows me pictures of them.

“I am unsure of what the future holds, of course, nor does anybody else, but I wonder if I’ll be vacating the house – or him. It will be lonely one way or another, but I felt alone sometimes even when he was there. I won’t miss the constant criticism. The loneliness and lack of ambition gets me into trouble hence the days of depression begin”.

She begins to look into my eyes, her complexion not as gray compared to when we first began our conversation. Verbalizing that depression has followed behind her for fifteen years, she sought help from a family doctor and begged him to help dissipate the gloomy mind-set. Throughout the years she’s experienced minute success, attempted suicide one other time and medications have been ineffective.

“I do have a new psychiatrist, and with only two appointments so far, he didn’t seem especially interested in me or my illness.”

Clara feels both dispirited and powerless. She is also bitter. Her career was her life, as she puts it, “life has been sucked right out of me”. “Why continue”, she asks? “Who would wish to carry on – for that bright light ahead? – I think not”.

Three weeks have passed: She agreed to ECT (shock treatment). So far she’s received five treatments and feels as if they’ve made some difference and realizes this depression won’t cease to exist over night, but does feel a tad more optimistic. Thoughts of her marriage break-up, she feels, are to some extent due to the illness, which even now saddens her. But she is looking onward to the future…and expressed that she may be discharged in two weeks. Also, her strategy is to continue with ECT treatments on an outpatient basis.

********************
Belinda – Age (35)

I meander into the dining room where Belinda is waiting. She is bipolar and has been in hospital for a couple of weeks and the path has been bumpy.

Her moods have been “flip-flopping”, in other words, traveling from ‘high’ (mania) and plunging to ‘low’ (depression). Rapid cycling. Today she is feeling a little ‘up’. She much prefers this to the never-ending depressing lows. Depression to her means heading towards death. Who yearns to be living throughout this period? She struggles with the mood swing of depression far more frequently than that of mania. She has by no means attempted suicide, yet her brain travels towards that route often.

She has succeeded in the working world, as assistant manager of a major department chain for six years. Unfortunately, this all crumbled due to too many ‘under-the-weather’ days, doctor’s appointments and hospitalizations causing her to surrender her company position. She glances at me and says “just when everything is going nicely in your life, you are dealt a black hand”.

Belinda’s ill health started slowly, feeling ‘down’ a great deal of the time. Personnel at work questioned the personality change. She questioned it also, and subsequently her family doctor assessed the situation and diagnosed it as depression. The doctor prescribed some medications and advised that a psychiatrist be involved. That in itself is a task; at least in this city where they are in short supply, and typically placed on a waiting list.

Conclusively, she found a psychiatrist through the hospital. He is very thorough, doesn’t hurry her appointments and seems to really be concerned. Together they are experimenting with medications, but haven’t reached that point where moods are stable. What contented her most was the diagnosis her illness – bipolar. “I can put a name to all of these mood swings over the years, and know that I’m not crazy”. Unfortunately, at present she is not in good shape as the depressions supercede the mania. But, is working very hard to become well again.

She resides with her boyfriend who is remains very sympathetic to Belinda and her illness.

BELINDA WAS DISCHARGED

*********************
Ashley – Age (17)

Ashley motions me into her hospital room and I take a seat on the empty bed across from her. She is a teenager, morose in manner and voices that her depression has utterly spelt the downfall of her high school years.

In hospital, more often than not throughout the past year, she’s uncertain of ever graduating and feels hopeless.

Implausible dark, ominous days never end for her and on the odd chance a friend visits. “I think they feel I’m just not the ‘old Ashley’ and don’t know what to say or talk about or what mood I’ll be in if they do visit”. She begins to shed tears discussing her situation, puzzled, “what did I do that was so horrible to be stuck with this disease?”

She states she is a perfectionist and worked furiously to continually receive superior grades in school, but rapidly they started descending and her lack of enjoyment and suicidal feelings were overwhelming. Her mother was attending sessions with a psychiatrist and thought it an excellent idea for her daughter to visit this doctor. However, by the time the first appointment was scheduled, she was at the lowest point of depression and was hospitalized.

The initial admission to hospital was extremely difficult. Mixing with other patients took effort, and she was unwilling to share thoughts and feelings or problems with anyone. Days were lengthy and uninteresting. Medications weren’t doing their job and the suicidal feelings were continuously on her mind. The stay lasted three weeks. “I wanted to escape the place so badly that I lied about my actual feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts and they discharged me”.

Days out of hospital proved a tragedy. The depression over-powered her every turn. She did return to school, but concentration was absent and she gave up. Her parents weren’t stringent on his matter of attending school, as they realized the poor health and self-esteem weakened her.

Numerous admissions followed due to major depression and suicidal ideation. Medications were adjusted several times but nothing was in truth very effective.

This present admission appears to be making headway. She had a different in-patient doctor and believes the medications are beginning to achieve results. It’s indescribable how depression hurts, but although somewhat optimistic at this point, she is not throwing her arms up in the air declaring ‘I’ve won’ yet.

ASHLEY WAS DISCHARGED

********************
Carolyn – Age (20)

Carolyn is a slender girl with lengthy, straight blond hair. To glance at her, one would assume, “looks perfect, like a swimsuit model”.

Looks are deceiving. Carolyn overdosed a few days ago and is barely beginning to get on her feet. We chatted firstly about the overdose.

She intended to OD for weeks. At home she ingested a massive cocktail of prescription and non-prescription medications. Her sister dropped by unannounced, discovered her motionless on the living room floor and called 911. Afterward it was determined that, had another hour passed, she would have been dead. Tested, there appears to be liver damage and further tests are to be completed to rule out heart damage. Still though, she remains regretful that the OD wasn’t successful.

This may distress some people, with remarks to the like of “how could she be so selfish” or “she’s so pretty, how could anyone give up anything to look like her”. These are misconceptions of mental illness. Our outer shell judges us. Doesn’t matter what is intensifying within and how we are dealing with it.

Sadly, Carolyn says she prays to breathe her last breath, as the blackness never subsides. “You retire at night to blackness and wake up to the same color – black. Do they know what they are doing in this hospital? No medications are helping. What am I supposed to do; I’m out of hope”. “Nurses have done most of the work here, but the in-patient doctor is scarce and I am fortunate if visits every 3rd or 4th day”.

In spite of the mood fluctuation and hospitalizations, her boyfriend is tolerating this exceptionally well. He is very caring and supportive, and that is crucial for recuperation.

As Carolyn describes it, “depression is so consuming and it was burdensome to perform my duties at work”. She is employed at a fast-food restaurant and works bizarre hours.

This is not her career job, but for the moment it pays the bills. Her employer has incredibly understood and has guaranteed her that the job will be there when discharged.

Three weeks later: Carolyn has certainly made progress. Medication is taking effect. She may be discharged next week, but will wait until stronger and well enough to return to work. She found that the in-patient doctor’s more recurrent visits made a difference. Why couldn’t this doctor be as available for the first few weeks of her stay I ask?

********************
Susan – Age (29)

Susan appeared uneasy as I sat down alongside her. I held her hand and reassured her that at times relating your story can be cathartic.
“I’m bipolar”, she states, “and frankly this illness has ruined my life”.

She was married for three years and with the incessant quarrelling and ‘flips’ between mania and depression, brought her into hospital numerous times. Therein the marriage fell apart, as her husband just couldn’t adapt to the ‘changing’ Susan.

Susan is proud, yet shy to speak of her office position in the working world. To her credit, she has been promoted twice in the past four years, firstly as a mail clerk, followed by company receptionist and lastly to an intermediate customs/exporting position. Her company has treated her well, allowing for time-off throughout the bumpy times, but she is still cynical about the future.

She has been in hospital for 3 ½ weeks, and is not making headway. Fearful to return home while still unwell, as this depression is so tough to shrug off. And now devoid of a husband for ‘talk’ support or family, which are vanishing by leaps and bounds, life appears bleak.

Three weeks later: Unexpectedly, Susan’s husband visited and wants to make an effort at their relationship. She alleged he regrets feeling sorry for himself and did not grasp the ‘pain’ of her illness. This in itself has brought some life in her.

“I’m still sitting on the fence as far as moods go”. The meds are working slowly for her and the doctor predicts two to three more weeks in hospital.

********************
Nancy – Age (41)

“I think I’ve conquered my depression!” she expresses excitedly.

Nancy has been in hospital for five weeks. The first three were a calamity and never thought she could hold her head up high again. The deep depression was all too consuming and no matter which was of previous interest i.e. reading, playing cards or socializing – vanished. There was a sentiment of no hope.

She is employed at a government agency and supervisor of a sizeable department. She has held this position for eight years now and employed at the agency for eighteen years. The division senior supervisors, and the agency for that matter, have been incredible. They have granted her time off and affirmed to return to work when feeling healthy enough. Co-workers have been visiting, as well as friends, but frankly she was in such a condition of blackness and doesn’t commit to memory conversations.

Nancy’s marriage is unbroken and has an incredible husband who has stood by her every moment. No children are in the picture due to her demanding career.

The depression appeared to originate with the death of her father earlier in the year. He was diagnosed with cancer and passed away not long after. Subsequent to the funeral, her mind clouded and she was all consumed with thoughts of suicide. She secretly wished to be by her father’s side, but couldn’t allow her mother to bear both burdens, so sought after help with her family doctor. The doctor was wonderful, but declared she could only do so much and referred her to a psychologist.

Nancy’s sessions started off nicely, but began to alter when digging deep into her father’s demise. She reacted badly and her whole personality altered. Day after day, she would sit down in darkness, in her recliner chair, gaze at the wall for hours, more or less in a trance. She realized she considered necessary further help, so called a friend and landed in the ER.

“The attending psychiatrist on this floor was amazing and guided me through this rough time”.

The medication took its time but is feeling a difference – a big difference. Some days are major disappointments, feeling so ‘down’ and thinks pessimistically, therefore feeling frightened.

Three weeks later: Presently, Nancy is coming along and elated that she is heading upwards and onwards instead of downwards into the pit. She returns home next week.


Written by:
Me
MIGRAINE HEADACHES

Migraines are common in patients with a number of mental illnesses, but they are particularly common among bipolar II patients. In one study, 77% of bipolar II patients had migraines while only 14% of bipolar I had this headache, suggesting that difference biologic factors may be involved with each bipolar form.
I suffer from migraine headaches often, and at times the pain is so horrendous that I am forced to visit the ER for a shot of pain medication. The searing pain is unbearable.

Minimal Alcohol Use Can Worsen Bipolar...



January 1, 2006, TORONTO, ON ~~ Even consuming small amounts of alcohol appears to worsen the outcome of people with bipolar disorder, new Canadian research has found.

Researchers from the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychiatry examined 148 people with bipolar I or II who were enrolled in a study of cognitive-behavioral therapy vs. psycho-education. They ranged in age from 18 to 60, were in full or partial remission, and were not heavy drinkers.

Although weekly alcohol consumption was minimal among the participants, alcohol consumption among the men was associated with manic episodes and emergency department visits. Among women, alcohol consumption was associated with episodes of depression and hypomanic episodes.

Article Source: BP Canada Magazine (Spring 2006)
I feel great today!!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

SWIMMING WITH THE SHARKS


Ten years of ping-ponging in hospitals, untreatable bipolar disorder and with life heading nowhere, my luck changed after a new psychiatrist entered my life. With correct meds finally, and great encouragement I began to take two steps forward.

My passion for writing began to resurface. Thoughts and ideas that lay dormant over the years could now be seen in print. My dilemma though found me with limited computer skills caused by years of unemployment, non-usage of computers and coupled by memory loss. I had to relearn everything. Tenacity prevailed, I worked daily on my typing skills, escalating my speed and educated myself using software. I regained the skills and was extremely pleased of the accomplishment. Wow! And so began the writing and was so swollen with pride when one of my articles was published in our local paper.

Next, I began to experience the yearning of perhaps returning to the working world. This would prove later to be a feat in itself. At the outset, I had a spotty resume caused by years of infirmity. Using my volunteer work, as well as, a short stint with self-employment, filled in the ‘experience’ section of my mottled resume, which began looking presentable. Next came the job hunt. I always felt, the search for a job is far more problematical than performing the job itself. Months of telephone calls, faxing resumes and mainly waiting for ‘that call’, at last paid off. I received ‘that call’, but felt frozen facing an actual interview. Years had passed since an interview was necessary of me. Also, tests were required. The computer typing test I had no difficulty with, but the ‘intelligence’ test proved a different story. Feeling I answered questions correctly, I later learned I only just squeezed by. However, a second interview was necessary and lo and behold I was offered a position in the banking field.

Prior to beginning this position, it was compulsory to attend a two-week training session. I considered this a breeze. I was gravely mistaken. The first day was a disaster, as it was essential to become accustomed to their internal computer system, and I sat in confusion having problems with straightforward tasks such as passwords and locating screens. The remaining two weeks met with more perplexity, and slowly my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-doubt tumbled downward. I was the slowest and oldest in the class. But, I passed and began the position. The everyday routine felt so bizarre after years of illness at home and in hospital. Enjoying the job, I was discontented with management and other factors played, and so, unfortunately after three months I discovered this job just wasn’t for me.

To make a lengthy story short, before long I found the position right for me. I have been with this company for 1 ½ years now and performing well. Self-confidence has returned, I am meeting the company’s stats, and ever so proud of this achievement. Pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and getting back on your horse, so to speak, is in itself a major accomplishment. I struggle daily with ‘fitting in’ with my co-workers, and dreading my performance reviews; always expecting the negative, and ultimately surprised by the positive. Depression leaves a scar, but I have learned that a scar can fade.

I do not share my past with co-workers, due to the fact of **stigma. I recognize I would be treated in a different way, as the general public does not comprehend mental illness. In secret, I wish my co-workers/management to be acquainted with my triumph. Existing under a veil of blackness for so many years, then at last standing upright and functioning in the ‘working world’ is something of a phenomenon. This would give enlightenment to my slowness in grasping new company policies and procedures; my frazzled three-month wait to learn if I passed the probationary period; why self-confidence plummets and the heart skips a beat when monthly performance reviews are about to take place; and why I experience a sensation of gratefulness for this company, as they took a risk hiring me with a resume packed with holes. They apparently saw the potential I forgot I possessed.

I am testimony that the compassionate doctor that I am so privileged to have, the correct medication, sheer will and determination, spousal/family support have motivated me to seek out my buried talent and bounced me back on the road to living yet again.

Written by:
Me

"Losing It" and Losing It...




Early in 1984 I started “losing it” followed by the spiral into hell, “losing” my career, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and very nearly my marriage and house.

Easy to look back now - so easy to do:

Faux pas #1. Entering psychotherapy. By far, the biggest mistake of my life. Dredging up past childhood hurts was beyond doubt detrimental to my overall health and well-being. Weekly sessions fueled crying outbursts, continuous flashbacks and nightmarish triggers. My quest should have been halted when the depression set in and the initial hospitalization occurred. I was the big loser in this pursuit.

Faux pas #2. Placing my trust in the mental health system, explicitly doctors. I placed my life in their hands and ultimately lost. Continuous switching of medications that proved unsuccessful and too-many-to-count hospitalizations all resulted in ZILCH. Too much trust on my part. Existing in the throes of depression, I consented to most hospitalizations; others were without. What began as one admission, soon grew to over 30. I surmise that they scratched their heads as to what to do with me. Hospital conditioning crept in, and I began to favor the hospital over home.

Faux pas #3. Not asking adequate questions. In defense of myself, deathly ill with the pain of depression, I granted to over 50 ECT’s (shock treatments). Doctors assured me that these treatments were paramount, explaining as the quantity of treatments increased, depressive feelings would decrease. Nonetheless, as time ticked by, the ECT’s in conjunction with medication, all out failed. Also, who would question a doctor’s method if it ultimately meant becoming well? I was once again the big loser.

Faux pas #4. Not fighting for my Career. Surrendering too easily and signing my livelihood away with a simple signature allowing the company to sever ties with me for good. I have to confess they were very tolerant initially, however, quickly grew tired of my continuous ill days and hospitalizations. Personality and work habit changes ultimately gave them no choice, I surmise. One day you are supervisor of a mid-sized accounting department – next day you are sitting in your hospital jammies waiting in line for your morning pills. I was once again the big loser.

Faux pas #5. Always blaming myself. This is something I have been struggling with throughout this whole illness, but have recovered enough to now say: “Why must I apologize for having an illness?” If this was cancer – would I have to apologize?...I think not.

Depressive illness robs one of so many things. A colossal frustration for me is the major memory loss linked with the too-many ECT treatments. Recalling particular past events in my life have been wiped out and have taken years to return, but only at a snail's pace. I was assured that long-term memory would not be affected.

BUT…BUT…BUT, No more faux pas and I’m living life again:

See what a few good years can do:

Working full-time, pursuing my writing again, no hospitalization since 2003, excellent psychiatrist, correct medication, moods steady, wonderful hubby, wonderful mother, cute doggie, new friendships.
Written by:
Me

Thursday, March 8, 2007

TOM CRUISE INTERVIEW - 'cruisin for a 'bruisin




These are exerpts from the Tom Cruise interview as appeared:

on Today Show, dated June 25, 2005, hosted by Matt Lauer
Cruise: You know, Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like, you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist, okay. Scientology is something—

Lauer: So, it doesn't replace religion.

Cruise: It is a religion. Because it's dealing with the spirit. You as a spiritual being. It gives you tools you can use to apply to your life

Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology. And as far as the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I think, here's a wonderful and talented woman. And I want to see her do well. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.

Lauer: But Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressants or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?

Cruise: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?

Cruise: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

Lauer: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?

Cruise: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

Lauer: But that's what she went on the antidepressant for.

Cruise: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things... I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, antipsychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

Lauer: But a little bit of what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.

Cruise: No, no, I'm not.

Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?

Cruise: I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that, promoting — for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss? Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life? Okay. The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.

Lauer: I would agree

Cruise: Okay. So, now you look at a departure from that ideal scene, is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?

Lauer: Let me take this more general, because I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And I respect your opinion. Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Would that be a goal of yours?

Cruise: You know what? Absolutely. Of course, you know.

Lauer: How do you go about that?

Cruise: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's okay, if I want to know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can come to an opinion based on the information that I have.
Lauer: You're so passionate about it.
Cruise: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt