Monday, May 14, 2007

CAN YOU TELL?



Mental illness is surrounded by a glut of half-truths and untruths. If you tell someone that you've been diagnosed with, for example, bipolar disorder, they are likely to roll their eyes and say, "I don't believe it - you don't look mentally ill...?"

Which brings me to my question: Do I perchance look like I have Bipolar Disorder? I don’t think I do. Am I perhaps making something out of nothing? Self-confidence and self-esteem slid into the basement and remained there for too many years. Trudging through the mud down there, and finally locating some stairs to climb up, rung by rung, I achieved the surface.

To look at me, I hope you'd never guess I'm bipolar and PTSD. There's no sign around my neck, but if you worked with me, for example, you'd soon notice that I'm "different," or a little "odd".

For one thing, "I'm somewhat negative at times, having difficult moments following directions and have to write everything down. Sometimes I can’t keep focus, and where other people find new work assignments challenging; I sit in self-doubt and bewilderment. My self-confidence feels in jeopardy each moment. I am the one who takes their performance review to heart. Out of nine rights, one negative is discussed, for which I feel total devastation, berating myself repeatedly. A true perfectionist, at least I try to be, however letting myself down is somewhat of a crucifixion. But, I am your dependable employee, the gleeful one, the one who shows little anger, and the one touted as one of the paramount in customer service. I must apply a mask for the most part.

Although felt as if a hex was put upon me years ago, I feel slightly different now. I’m still bitter about the illness at times, but realizing that THIS is ME.

Written by:
Me

11 comments:

Cain said...

Even though I don't blog in the same place I was before, I still keep my blogs out there; refusing, within myself, not to delete them.

Since I was a child, depression has been with me. Only recently, have I seen the bi-polar aspects for what they are. Being ME is is nothing to apologize for, or hide. The stigmas are still out there.

Marfans & depression are two pieces of my life, that I've lately had great difficulty writing about. Sharing my troubles has been transferred to my therapist. The paxil has taken it's toll of side effects, and now I'm beginning to feel a bit better.

~~Can people tell, when they look at me? Two weeks ago, if asked that question, I would have said, "Yes"

Now, if I could only get my blood pressure under control, and free myself from the bulk of family troubles (a never-ending source of sadness, in the case of my father)...I'd be able to sleep, knowing that the following day will be better.

I'm glad I found your blog when I did. I may not be at "Only Living Boy From New York," (I'm writing under another name now & topics)...but, I'll always visit here as "BB/Cain."

Thank you. :)

xx, BB/cain.

david mcmahon said...

Hi again,

Once more, I can simply tell you that the power of your blogging is amazing.

You communicate, you touch people, you tell tales by opening your heart.

Once again, I wish you luck.

Deb posted your url on my site, but from memory I think I've visited your blog before and left a comment praising the honesty of your writing.

Do keep in touch

David
http://david-mcmahon.blogspot.com/

head above water said...

BB/cain...thank you for your most eloquent expression and touching words.

You appear, as with myself, sometimes under that veil of depression. It may be prominent for the most part, but we know it's there. We know the feelings that are attached to this demon. In earlier posts, I have stated how blessed I am to have a psychiatrist who finally knew how to treat this illness, knew what he was talking about and finally prescribing a cocktail of meds that are successful.

Kudos to you for seeking help and I am relieved to hear that the meds are on their way to mending the woes. Never ending sadness takes a toll on our lives, and sometimes I wonder if this is not some sort of test. But, it makes us tougher and stronger.

We are genuine people, and as mentioned before, I came to the realization of "why do I have to apologize for my illness, as it was not purposely inflicted".

So now I am stumped ~~ I took a peek at your site and cannot locate you. Have you put "boy for NY" to rest? I still see postings.

I don't want to come off sounding like a born-again, religious nut - for I am not. Religion is not in the cards for me at this time, I feel better without it. All of my insights come from within.

Should you need me further, please leave a comment.

All the best.

head above water said...

Thanks, David. Your comment felt warm and I felt honoured to be on your blog awards.

This blog is so very special to me - 'cos it is me, and I will continue on my quest to bash the stigma associated with mental illness.

Hope to have my name on your blog awards next week.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

You've managed, as eloquently as is in your own usual way, to completely nail it in one, again, Deb's. No, I can't tell, at all, actually. (Is that good, or bad?) All I know is, you are a precious, fragile soul (like every other one of us) whom, despite all of the odds that appear stacked against you, still keeps right on in there, fiesty, and still standing, ready and willing to take whatever round that life decides to deal to you. You are a persistent advocate for those who can't yet find their voice, and for those whom need one such as yours..brave and wonderful - just keep on being you, you leave the world a better place for it! Keep on going, girl!!

head above water said...

Oh, shrinkwrapped, I was almost in tears reading your comment. I never thought of myself in such a light, but as you said I am fiesty - but learned that along the way you have to be to live in this world. No one wants a whiner or complainer nor one that shows their inner feelings. Especially in the business world, we are all phoney most of the time. We must smile, though we feel pain, and that's the way it must be.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Keep on doing what you're doing, you're doing it fine, girl!

head above water said...

Shrink, I have shown this to a few people and couldn't believe the response. How we judge is what it's all about.

Wackjob said...

Thanks so much for your blog...I am bipolar, was diagnosed in 2001 after a lifetime of mental illness and the occasional psychotic break. Everyone thought I was being "dramatic." I try not to play the victim, but I've been in a terrible place recently with very little professional help, and it seems my own mind is out to hurt me. It won't, though.

Jodi said...

Wow. I feel like that was me. I have seen many counselors and doctors and always felt like I was crazy but they insist I am fine. But I have those very same thoughts/feelings.

It is just nice to read that someone else relates...

Thank you.

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