Early in 1984 I started “losing it” followed by the spiral into hell, “losing” my career, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and very nearly my marriage and house.
Easy to look back now - so easy to do:
Faux pas #1. Entering psychotherapy. By far, the biggest mistake of my life. Dredging up past childhood hurts was beyond doubt detrimental to my overall health and well-being. Weekly sessions fueled crying outbursts, continuous flashbacks and nightmarish triggers. My quest should have been halted when the depression set in and the initial hospitalization occurred. I was the big loser in this pursuit.
Faux pas #2. Placing my trust in the mental health system, explicitly doctors. I placed my life in their hands and ultimately lost. Continuous switching of medications that proved unsuccessful and too-many-to-count hospitalizations all resulted in ZILCH. Too much trust on my part. Existing in the throes of depression, I consented to most hospitalizations; others were without. What began as one admission, soon grew to over 30. I surmise that they scratched their heads as to what to do with me. Hospital conditioning crept in, and I began to favor the hospital over home.
Faux pas #3. Not asking adequate questions. In defense of myself, deathly ill with the pain of depression, I granted to over 50 ECT’s (shock treatments). Doctors assured me that these treatments were paramount, explaining as the quantity of treatments increased, depressive feelings would decrease. Nonetheless, as time ticked by, the ECT’s in conjunction with medication, all out failed. Also, who would question a doctor’s method if it ultimately meant becoming well? I was once again the big loser.
Faux pas #4. Not fighting for my Career. Surrendering too easily and signing my livelihood away with a simple signature allowing the company to sever ties with me for good. I have to confess they were very tolerant initially, however, quickly grew tired of my continuous ill days and hospitalizations. Personality and work habit changes ultimately gave them no choice, I surmise. One day you are supervisor of a mid-sized accounting department – next day you are sitting in your hospital jammies waiting in line for your morning pills. I was once again the big loser.
Faux pas #5. Always blaming myself. This is something I have been struggling with throughout this whole illness, but have recovered enough to now say: “Why must I apologize for having an illness?” If this was cancer – would I have to apologize?...I think not.
Depressive illness robs one of so many things. A colossal frustration for me is the major memory loss linked with the too-many ECT treatments. Recalling particular past events in my life have been wiped out and have taken years to return, but only at a snail's pace. I was assured that long-term memory would not be affected.
BUT…BUT…BUT, No more faux pas and I’m living life again:
See what a few good years can do:
Working full-time, pursuing my writing again, no hospitalization since 2003, excellent psychiatrist, correct medication, moods steady, wonderful hubby, wonderful mother, cute doggie, new friendships.
Written by:
Me
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